Short story: The wanting comes in waves

This was the time to say something. Anything. He was about to say I do and i was not ready to hear it. I was in denial already. Here I am at the wedding of the man That I loved. Only he was marrying someone else. I could not just let him say I do. This was all wrong.

'If there is anyone here who opposes this union, let him speak now or forever hold his or her peace.'

I stood I had no dignity. I did not even pay attention to the woman who was trying to take me out after i stood. I heard her voice but did not understand what she was muttering. The church walls around me started to spend. I did not feel right. I felt as if the next words that i utter would send me into oblivion.

'I', was all that i could say before I passed out into oblivion.

**********

I did awake to find Freddy standing over me. He was still in his tux which means he went through with it. I could have cried. I could feel the tears weld up. I did not want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry so i decided to just turn to my side.

'So you are now someones husband. I hope you are very happy.'

'I did not get married.'

I had turned to look at him. I can't say that i was not happy to hear the good news. I was hoping that he would not get married.

'you did not get married? Why not?'

'Because you had something to tell me and i could not in good conscience marry someone that i was not sure about.'

'Oh God please don't blame that on me. I didn't want to sabotage your wedding.'

'Oh no? Then why did you stand up to oppose?'

I could not answer that. Why did I stand up? I had known for months that it would happen. I did not freak when I saw the invite. It was becoming all too real. So why did i stand up? I had long since denied him anything that had to do with us getting together. Even as we spent every moment with each other, I was not sure that Freddy was the one i was really in love with. He was everything that I did ask for. I simply did not know how to make it work. And now here he is standing in a tux meant to be wed in with some other woman. Gosh what was i thinking letting him go? I loved and i did not. I want and then i Don't. If would marry anyone. it would be Freddy. He was the most kind and thought man. He was attentive and sweet. He would even save the last bite of food for me. He's a happy person, beautiful and talented.

"i guess is still love you.'
'Love me? this is the first time you ever mentioned anything about love. Why didn't you say this to me when i first told you i was marrying Gwen?

'Because I did not want to look like a fool. I never did this before Freddy. I never been in love with anyone before. It scares the shit out of me to think that someone would actually rely on me. I cant give you anything.'

'Give me anything? I don't need anything. I just wanted to make you happy and show you how happy you would be with me. But every time i touched you, you freaked out. I thought you were disgusted with me.'

'No not at all. I do love you, i just,'

i Paused. What should i say just tell him the truth. I wanted him and let all this time go by.

'you just what?'

' I am scared Freddy. I am scared to lose you. I'm scared to even acquire you because i don't want to loose you.'

'Tara I am your friend for life you know that. I love you too. I am marrying Gwen though.'

I had turned over to my side. should i just spill my guts about miss Gwen. As far as i am concerned she had become my enemy. I Tried being nice to her for the sake of Freddy But little miss Gwen had secrets honey. I had been witness to many counts of Gwen getting out of line. I even had friends of Freddy call me to tell me some things that was going on with her. Gwen is a cheating whore. What the hell If i could not have him, no one could.

'She cheats you know. She is a lie and a cheater and you will be making a mistake if you stay with her.'

'If that is true, why did you not tell me this?
'because i am in love with you. I sabotaged us even though i am in love with you. You would just chalk it up as jealousy.'
'She cheated on me?'
'YES. more than once.'
'So now i am supposed to drop everything and marry you? You rejected me remember? I have moved on. I not going to ever fall in love with you again.'

I could take that. I was prepared for it. So I remained turned on my side and again I said nothing. I didn't expect anything. I just wanted to say my peace.


***************

Work was today. Everyone who knew me and Freddy knew that I had made a fool of myself. I still did not care what anyone thought. I wanted to see if there was still a Freddy and me and i was not ashamed of that. Freddy is my soul mate. Even if we are not together. I can handle that. I tell you one thing though. Gwen ain't getting Freddy. This is not over.

American rat race

running, running in circles
Chasing dreams
Chasing fiction
Our hearts beating fast in the dust
our color effective in the inevitable
Watching the bones licked dry
waiting for our turn that will never come.

The condition of the American is a futile one. The only thing worth living for is the hope of one day getting your piece of the pie. We get lost chasing this myth of imaginary money. The only thing of value is your ethos, your dignity and Self respect. We all sold a piece of ourselves at one point of our lives in order to belong. To say that we have, we can. But we all know that underneath it all we don't have anything and we can not get anywhere in America. We all fell susceptible to beast. Taking from it's belly like parasites unwanted and fathomless. We are living in our lower vibrations. We are sharing them with each other. It is time to wake up and experience ourselves. We spend a lot of time paying attention to those around us. And even though we can relate to their pain, we don't acknowledge it. We are too busy making others feel bad in order to take the focus off ourselves. you better save your soul and stop hoping that the governing bodies care enough to focus on us as a whole. They Dont They keep us seperate even thought we are here together. The power is in numbers. No one man can beat that. Let us revel in our connectedness.


You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.
Mahatma Gandhi

People and connection

We are all connected in some way. We are all responsible for each other. It does start with the individual and that energy is transferred to whom ever you come in contact with. That is how it works. It seems we all have a lot of work to do when it comes to trying to stay honest with yourself. It seems pretty hard to govern ourselves when we are trying to police and govern others. It is time for us to look at ourselves and be honest. Why do we jump head first into things without actually weighing the options. Why are we so eager to jump into every opportunity without knowing what it is we are getting into. Or is it that I don't do that and I should. It seems people just like the label of things. The social network it their net worth. hmm. When did we give our powers to each other? When will we ever be comfortable in our own skins? Time to look in that mirror and wonder who we are. Why we do things. Los Angeles is a city full of sociopaths and you are probably dating one. So lets try to get into our higher selves before we start trying to share our mess with others. I am talking about me more so than those around me.

Honesty

Honestly, I am a very bad person for thinking the shit that i think, I want something that i cant have. I want it bad. I have no right to it and i feel like i need to have it. I think it's psychological. I always want what some one else has. Classic. It truly is. I will not do anything about it because i know where it is coming from but i want it. I want it bad. And those who have it take it for granted. Too bad. Maybe in some kind of way. I will have it.

ghost world

Times are changing. What we talk about and who we tell it to is vitally important. We have a responsibilty to each other to make things right. Los Angeles is a Ghost world. More so than New Orleans. Went to a sober party and it was like walking in a tomb for the old hollywood dead society. Everyone looked like plastic and skin. No one had anything to talk about except how great it is to be sober. like that's all life is in hollywood. You become the willing victim of you surroundings and then you spend the rest of your life wanting to make up for it by diving into this addiction of sober living. Don't get me wrong its great to clean yourself up. But please don't try to judge others by the mistakes you make. We all have our Journey. We should all try to wake up and learn how to really deal with our pain.